I know that I've not written on this for a long time, and that I've had a couple of friends ask for a new post.
I've geuninely tried. I've done a lot of thinking, washing dishes, taking a shower, swimming laps at the pool (why does all my thinking have to be associated with water?) and I've yet to come up with some words that when pulled together tie up the last six months of feeling, thinking, crying, praying, or not being able to pray, as grief has taken a toll on my husband and his family, and on me as well.
Grief is a journey, most of the time you in which you keep asking yourself the question, "Are we there yet?" or better yet like the Spanish kids ask.."How much is left?"
I think that's an interesting question, "How much is left..." because its not really asking have we finished the journey, but how much more do we have to go. And that's what its felt like...
There are moments, where that's all we've been able to feel. Can we get to the other side of pain? and how much is left until we get there?
It's really easy to get swallowed up in grief, and we've let ourselves have our moments where we gently close the door, and not answer the phone, and cry for a little while, or just feel, or just talk, or just be quiet. Our schedule has been lighter this last several months, and its permitted us a morning or an afternoon or an evening once or twice or even three times a week where we've just "been".
It is easy to feel guilty about "being"but we've had some wonderful friends that have counseled about the need of being, of sitting at Jesus' feet like Mary, and just breathing, absorbing, and feeling. Sometimes we've not even been able to pray out loud, or form prayers even in our brains, but He knows, He listens, and gently has held us under the shadow of His wings.
On the physical side, we have returned to regular exercise and its been a massive help. We've eaten better, healthier, more protein, more often. This helps. And slowly, over the last month, we've wanted to do those "normal" things that bring us immense joy. We threw a loud, happy, joyous, fourth of July party that was like a small piece of heaven on earth. It was so fun, our own neighbors were jealous, and we now have energy to think about throwing another party, this time to show more love to this little funny neighborhood in Granada that we call home.
Slowly, slowly, into new life. Not all who wander about find it in the phyiscal realm. But, we are not lost.